The Beginning (of a marriage)

Hi, I’m a newlywed woman, about to tell you about all the highs and lows, & ups and downs of a new marriage, what to expect and how to make it work for you.

I’ve been married for about 10.5 months now, and I suppose that means that I’m a lil bit-experienced newlywed. It’s a great time to start these series, because everything is still fresh in my head, but I’ve also learned a lot about my partner and marriage now that we’re reaching the first year mark.

Now back to the main theme: the beginning.

By beginning I mean the first months after tying the knot, and most probably the first time living together.

1. YOUR MINDSET

For me, I started living with my husband after getting married.

But if it wan’t for traditions and religion, I’ve read and heard that cohabiting before getting married is a great way to learn about one another. On the flipside, some statistics I’ve read say it’s not a good idea. This kind of makes sense: people tend to divorce more easily once they come face-to-face with early problems because there’s no official tie between them. And sometimes it’s so much easier to let go when it gets hard.

So should you live together before marriage or not?
Doesn’t matter! It all comes down to your mindset from the very start. If your mindset is on progression, you will progress. If you want the relationship to work you will have to fight and work for it to work. You have to be ready to see your spouse in all kinds of different lights and still be ok and willing to move forward. It also means you have to be willing to work on yourself, and even change a bit to become a better-version, smarter, more compatible adult & spouse. Spoiler alert — you have to be in the right mindset because marriage is not going to be perfect nor easy at start or after the honey-moon phase.

2. STILL LEARNING

You might have really high hopes, great intentions, and a positive mindset when tying the knot — you freakin committed fully to this person! — but you soon will learn that your spouse isn’t actually so perfect — surprise, surprise! Marriage isn’t a fairytale nor a bucket-list goal. You husband/wife aren’t ideal and so aren’t you.
Marriage is about having a life-partner to share your day, your meals, your challenges, your fears, your happinesses with, and to do so you have to be willing to become better people for each other and grow together.

There is still so much to learn about each other. I spent nearly every day with my now-husband for years before getting married, and I felt that I knew everything about him. But, in this new stage, new obstacles arose.

1. DATE LONG, DEEPLY
   So firstly please get to know the person you’re dating to the maximum, before getting married, so that the marriage part isn’t as risky to fail.
2. TALKING & DISCUSSIONS
   Nextly, TALK about all big or small decisions or situations, and ask them to open up about why they think or acted that way. Try to understand them, give your input and have thoughtful and resultful, respectful discussions. You both have to learn to listen and have a strategy of how to resolve the unresolvable.
3. THEIR WEAK SPOTS
   Know the pet peeves, and the things that make your spouse angry and never bring them up and avoid them at all costs! Understand that even when having a fight, you shouldn’t use your spouses weak spots to hurt them and make things worse. Because during family fights there’s no winners, only losers. In the end your relationship becomes weaker and your health and wellbeing worsens for the both of you. Try to understand what causes most fights, understand the pattern and try to stop it.
4. HEALING, THE MEDIATOR
   In families, you shouldn’t count who’s making more effort and more first moves to make things better. Sometimes your spouse might not show as much effort in stopping unhealthy disputes or apologizing first. They might not even know how to or it’s difficult for them. That’s okay, try yourself. The effort has to come at least from one side. And you might as well be the more strategic and smarter one. So don’t wait for the other if you know how to mediate the situation.
5. GIVE THEM SPACE
   Before getting married or serious, you both had a lot of space to yourselves. So you both might still have the need for personal space/time. Give each other alone time for their friends, hobbies, work and some time to think or relax after conflicts. It makes all the difference.
   Also you don’t have to share all your problems, worries or happinesses with your partner, if you absolutely don’t have to. Talk to other people too! Have a life outside your marriage! Talk to your friends, family, counselor and keep things light between you and your spouse.

3. WHO WEARS THE PANTS? // BEING HUMBLE

There’s 3 kinds of relationships that work: when the wife wears the pants, the husband wears the pants, or with two humble partners. Your relationship has to be one of the 3 for it to work, otherwise there’s little to no hope for your marriage.

Here’s the case for the most common case —

How to make 2 assertive/semi-assertive people into humble partners?

For great relationships, the two partners have to understand that they’re a team, and the happiness or hardships happening to one of them, directly affects the other. Decision making should be done together, but things shouldn’t come to two assertive heads colliding. That’s why being humble and accepting differences is when relationships thrive.
It’s important to get off thinking that our way is superior. When opposing views occur, we should try to accept the reality that usually neither of us is right or wrong. We are simply different.

And if you absolutely have to make a decision, you can always figure out a middle ground, or choose on an option that has some more PROS than the other option. In some cases one partner has to give in to the other person’s decision. And that’s okay.

Some people confuse being humble or giving-in with weakness. But it’s the opposite; it takes inner strength to acknowledge that we don’t have all the answers, and sometimes it’s better to refrain from injecting our point of view out of respect for the other’s reasoning and opinion, or because sometimes it’s not worth the fuss.

You show being humble by:
(kind of a repetition here, but trying to conclude with the main points)

• acknowledging, at least to yourself, both your shortcomings and strengths;
• making space for your spouse to express themselves by listening thoughtfully.
• being curious, not critical, when opinions differ from yours.
• having a team mentality, and respect for one another

That’s it for now. More personal stories and spicy topics to come.